Jokes about algorithms

 I ask students to write me a joke about algorithms pretty regularly. I like seeing what they come up with...

• What did one cross-country star algorithm say to the other?
  "It's run time."
• Teacher: Write me an algorithm that runs in constant time.
  Student: Ok, the first part of my algorithm iterates over a list...
• What's the runtime of log?
  Nothing. Logs can't run.
• When in doubt, O(n!).
• What did the polynomial function say to the exponential function to get it to go away?
  "Beeg-O(n)!" [joke included a visual of an xy graph of poly and exp functions diverging with speech bubbles]
• "Knock knock"
  "Who's there?"
  "The Gale-Shapley Algorithm"
  "That joke wasn't funny"
  "I guess you aren't a good match for my humor!"
• Two engineers are stuck on whether to use BFS or DFS for a problem.
  Eng 1: Should we use BFS instead? Because we tried DFS and we're stuck?
  Eng 2: The real queue is why did I choose this career?
• A 1-day-old great dane talking to a 1-day-old toy poodle
  poodle: I'm bigger than you haha!
  great dane: I"m not worried I am Ω(you)
• Knock knock... Boom bruteforce algorithm
  

Algorithms puns:

• Dancer to Algorithms: "Wow algo! You really have rithm!"
• Why did Lila hate the orchestra concert?
  Because they didn't have any algo-rhythm!
  
• What did Lila play on the drums?
  An algo-rhythm
• What type of music do computer scientists listen to?
  Algo-rhythm-ic Music
• Mr. Merge, Mr. Selection, and Ms. Bubble all joined the Annual Sorting Dance Competition. Can you guess who won?
  Mr. Merge won! How? Because he had the best sorting algo-rhythm :)!
• If my name was algo and I did music they'd call me algo-rhythm!

Regarding graphs:

• What's the bakery's favorite algorithm?
  "Bread"th first search
• BreadFirstSearch, no rice no pasta!
• How do we know that topsort vertices prefer the heat?
  They have to leave once they reach 0 in-degrees.
• What did Dijkstra say to Kruskal?
  Why you so greedy
• What kind of search do you prefer?
  DFS, I like my algorithms with a little more depth to them. * badum tzzzz *
• What did BFS say to DFS? Nothing. Algorithms can't talk.
• Why did the edge cross the cut?
  Since it had to provide the shortest path :(

This post's theme word is capacitate (v tr), "to make capable." Studying computer science does not capacitate one for comedy.

What is the worst pun you've ever heard?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question.

What is the worst pun you've ever heard?

Only a few actual responses:

• That's pretty punny of you, haha!
• alpaca lunch
• [thought too much]
• orange you glad I didn't say banana
• all puns are great

... and then more than 15 variants of "I don't know". I guess it's hard to remember a pun on the spot.

This post's theme word is gegg (n), "a trick or practical joke," or (v) "to play a hoax or practical joke." The biggest gegg of the post is the lack of puns!

If you were a superhero, what power would you have?

 I take attendance by having students answer a question. Previously 2017, 2019.

If you were a superhero, what power would you have?

There were some traditionalists:

• invisibility x7
• flying x3
• super speed x2
• telepathy
• read minds 
• invulnerability
• super saiyan

Many people want extra time:

• have 48 hours a day
• stop time
• no longer need to sleep
• not getting sleepy
• making [other student in class] on time
• instant transportation

Then there were people who imagined powers that help towards other goals:

• power to refill anything
• memory
• infinite memory
• infinite money

This post's theme word is macrosmatic (adj), "having a well-developed sense of smell." The macrosmatic superhero rescues local residents from inadequately-aged cheese.

What is the punchline of your favorite joke?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question. Previously 2017, 2019.

What is the punchline of your favorite joke?

I assure you that typos and punctuation below are [sic]:

• "[student's own first name]'s on time"
• "shut up cold water!"
• 1984
• G
• Ground beef
• Ground chicken
• 
  
• Im-Pasta
• Imagine :)
• Me!
• Nice
• Renato Pizza
• Swarthmore construction
• Tinean
• Your the only ten I see [sic]
• construcrian
• don't know one
• drawing a blank Im sorry :( <3
• hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog...
• pasta balls
• to get to the other side

Most popular answer by far was variations of "IDK" (x6).

These joke punchlines make me wonder about the preceding joke... 

... well, except for the best one:

• This is joke for all you mind readers:

This post's theme word is salvific (adj), "having the power to save or redeem." The psychic comic did not have many salvific punchlines.

What is your favorite hobby?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question.

What is your favorite hobby?

• art                                                                                                                                         
• billiards                                                                                                                                   
• chess                                                                                                                                       
• cooking                                                                                                                                     
• dancing                                                                                                                                     
• fishing                                                                                                                                     
• frisbee                                                                                                                                     
• hiking (x2)                                                                                                                                 
• learning                                                                                                                                    
• movies                                                                                                                                      
• music                                                                                                                                       
• nails                                                                                                                                       
• procrastinating                                                                                                                             
• programming                                                                                                                                 
• reading                                                                                                                                     
• singing                                                                                                                                     
• sleeping (x7)                                                                                                                               
• softball                                                                                                                                    
• spending time with family                                                                                                                   
• spending time with people                                                                                                                   
• throwing                                                                                                                                    
• walking (x2)

This post's theme word is nutant (adj), "drooping, nodding." Many hobbyist nappers sat through lecture with nutant heads and glazed eyes.

What parallel-universe version of yourself would you like to be?

 I take attendance by having students answer a question.

What parallel-universe version of yourself would you like to be?

(all typos below are preserved as submitted)

Many students aspire to parallel-universe careers:

• pilot (x2)
• POTUS
• president
• economist
• lawyer
• chef
• cheffe
• astronaut (x2)
• commentator

Some wanted careers based on fame (mostly sports):

• PGA tour champ
• pop star
• win the masters
• dancer
• actress/dancer
• pro sport of some sort
• disc golfer

One single student wanted simply more money, in an amount I have not heard of:

• a bizzlionaire

One student wanted to be an inexplicable parallel-universe version, no further explanation:

a cold one

Some students were nonspecific but positive:

• living in nature
• maybe in bed

Some students were simply nonspecific:

• huh
• idk

And this week's most contented mid-semester student picked simply:

• idk I'm happy in this one

This post's theme word is lotic (adj), "relating to or living in flowing water." (Note that "lentic" is the same, but for still water.) The lotic parallel universe features many gills and a lot of waterproofing on electronics, but is otherwise quite familiar. There are a lot of reunions of the lotic and lentic branches of the family.

What is the best time of day for studying?

 I take attendance by asking students a question. (Previously 2019.)

What is the best time of day for studying?

Sorted by time, we had:

• 3am
• morning (x5)
• late morning
• midday (x2)
• 3pm
• afternoon in Johlberg
• post nap
• 5pm
• 5:15pm
• after dinner
• 7pm
• evening
• night (x7)
• midnight
• all times
• anytime
• after class

The specificity of to-the-minute accuracy on "best time" makes it sound like the optimal studying lasts only 1 minute, and by 5:16pm it has passed. That's worrying from an academic viewpoint.

This post's theme word is whelm (v tr), "to submerge; to overcome; to overwhelm." Study time whelms the student calendar.

What is the most useless technology ever invented?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question (previously 2019).

What is the most useless technology ever invented?

By popular vote, the general category "social media" is the winner (6 votes). Some people voted more narrowly tiktok (4 votes) and snapchat (2 votes) were singled out for specific contempt. Other physical debris got votes: electric toothbrush (3 votes), smartwatches (2 votes), and furby (1 vote).

Some votes went to other things, some explicable and some not:

• bombs :(
• nukes :/
• shoes
• chat GPT trying to identify word count
• everything
• it's hard to tell
• none :(
• sundials
• wheel

I think the "everything" and the "none" person should compare notes.

This post's theme word is Momus (n), "a carping critic" (the Greek god of censure!). The tech journalist was a Momus at the product launch.

What is your favorite fruit?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question (previously 2017).

What is your favorite fruit?

• watermelon (x7)
• mango (x6)
• apple (x2)
• grapes (x2)
• raspberries (x2)
• pears
• bananas
• pineapple
• peach
• clementine
• strawberry
• blueberry
• orange

I'm surprised that watermelon surpassed mango, the previous champion.

This post's theme word is tergiversate (v), "to evade, to equivocate; to change one's loyalties." The student population tergiversated between large, sweet, round fruits.

Quoth the raven

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question (previously 2016, 2017).

Quoth the raven:

• nevermore
• caw caw caw
• IDK
• ??
• [checkmark]
• I don't know any ravens
• no clue
• !
• what is that
• no
• shishkabob
• type type
• moo
• French poetry is better
• no clue
• What does the fox say?
• I don't know
• Nevermore, lest I shuffle off this mortal coil and land in a bowl of soup

I think that the "?" and "IDK" votes swept this time, maybe the reference isn't popular enough amongst The Youths Nowadays.

This post's theme word is nuciform (adj), "like a nut." There are many bird techniques for obtaining food from nuciform prisons.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question. Previously 2016, 2017, 2019.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

Some students answered numerically:

• -2
• -1
• 1
• at least 1
• 2+1
• 3.141592
• pi
• 5
• 6
• 100g
• [illegible, but it looked like numbers?]

Some students answered with qualitative descriptions of the quantity of wood:

1. not much (x2)
2. not much, he's nashed
3. some (x2)
4. enough
5. lots
6. depends on the tree species
7. as much as it could
8. as much as it wants
9. as much as a woodchuck could!
10. as long as its hungry

Some students replied to my question with an answer designed to make me stop asking:

• no idea
• I don't know (x3)
• when a woodchuck chucks
• if a wood chuck could chuck wood (x2)
• chuck

The "most pragmatic" award goes to:

• depends if a woodchuck could chuck wood

The "most enigmatic award goes to:

• would?

This post's theme word is alible (adj), "nutritious; nourishing." Wood is not considered alible for most students in my class.

What is your greatest victory in life so far?

 I take attendance by asking the students a question (previously 2019, 2016).

What is your greatest victory in life so far?

• chilling
• sleeping
• being here today
• surviving this far
• seeing another day in this beautiful world
• waking up :)
• ^ so real!!!!
• going to college
• nothing
• happiness
• eating breakfast
• being awake right now
• getting up early today
• living
• my friends
• slaying yass
• being an older brother
• loving other people

This post's theme word is antelucan (adj), "before dawn". Based on student testimony, one might believe that I have an antelucan lecture.

What is the longest amount of time you have gone without using the internet?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question. (Previously 2017, 2019.)

What is the longest amount of time you have gone without using the internet?

Answers varied:

• not long
• 10 minutes
• few hours (x2)
• 12 hours
• 1 day
• 2 days (x3)
• 3 days
• 5 days
• days
• 1 week (x5)
• a week in nature
• 2 weeks
• month
• 9 months
• 6 years
• no clue
• my childhood
• first couple years of my life
• first 2 years of my life
• first 5 years of my life
• first 7 years of my life

This post's theme word is testudinal (adj), "slow; old." Reminiscing about years of school pre-internet makes one feel testudinal and ornery.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question (previously 2016, 2017, 2019).

What is the sound of one hand clapping? Students mostly picked some popular onomatopoeias (or no): 

• clap (10)
• snap (6)
• no sound (3)

Then a lot of singletons:

• faint clap (1)
• snup (1)
• plap (1)
• tap (1)
• *pop* (1)
• plup (1)
• plap (1)
• hit (1)
• not possible (1)
• finger snap (1)

Two people were present in class but chose, as a way of expressing themselves, to checkmark next to their name on the sign-in sheet but leave the space for answering the question blank.

This post's theme word is gowpen (n), "two hands cupped together." Give me one gowpen of thoughtful questions, please.

Where in the world IS Carmen Sandiego?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question. (Previously 2016, 2017.)

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Overwhelmingly students wrote "San Diego" (19), some with a bit of flavor ("presumably San Diego?"). This would make it easy to find her, and the landmark she has shrink-ray stolen this week! Apparently this cultural reference is now outside the familiar frame for many current college students.

Among those willing to play/guess along, we had:

• California
• Detroit, MI
• Guam
• I don't know
• I'm terrible at geography...
• IDK but good show
• Madrid, Spain
• Mexico
• New York
• US
• Utah
• lets find her <3
• no clue

Perhaps this question should be retired --- or maybe future students will creatively suggest where to seek her out!

This post's theme word is gaberlunzie (n), "a wandering beggar, especially one who is licensed." Carmen Sandiego is no gaberlunzie --- she has no license for the architectural theft and skulduggery she commits!

What social convention baffles you?

 I take attendance by having students answer a question.

What social convention baffles you? (previously)

Some people chose physical customs:

• handshakes
• giving someone a hug
• any convention with physical touch

... but overall many people chose social conventions that persist even in a pandemic era:

• small talk
• introductions
• ice breakers
• hi to strangers
• salutations on emails
• texting greetings before th emessage

Some people chose known-to-be-irritating social conventions:

• bachelor/bachelorette parties
• gender reveal parties
• working 5 days a week
• the 9-5 work day

My favorite is the choice to criticize conventions in favor of absolute chaos:

• waking up in the morning

This post's theme word is diachrony (n), "change occurring over a period of time." The social convention diachrony means that handshakes might shift to elbow bumps, or subtle head nods, or nothing at all.

What is the worst security account question?

I take attendance by having the students answer a question.

What is the worst account security question? (Previously: 2016.)

Students came up with some bad ones, mostly classics:

• name of 1st pet
• favorite teacher's name
• what is your name
• hometown/first school
• your password
• hometown
• I hate all of them
• mother's maiden name is a classic
• first vacation
• what is you username?
• where were you born
• first job
• what street did you grow up on?
• 1st pet name?

The only outlier was the unusually-personally-invasive:

• What was the first name of the first boy or girl you kissed?

This post's theme word is elutriate (v tr), "to purify or separate, especially by washing or straining." The account security question did nothing to elutriate spurious logins from authentic ones.

Are you, in fact, here?

I take attendance by having the students answer a question. Usually I try to make it something creative or interesting, but sometimes I, like everyone else, just time out on creativity and come up entirely and completely blank.

Are you, in fact, here?

Everything along the spectrum of yes-to-no:

• Yup
• yea
• I was here on time :)
• alarm broke but I'm here
• shockingly
• yes
• contrary to popular belief, yes
• basically lol
• physically, yes
• briefly yes, from 9:30-9:30.5
• Just so I don't get fined
• Yes (probably not when you're reading this)
• Yes. maybe
• I hope
• I don't know
• physically, yes, mentally, maybe
• perhaps?
• Well. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know anything
• in theory
• No, I'm [first name]
• NO
• we are not here
• No, my soul is somewhere else
• No, I was here.
• No one is here
• 24 hours late

And then the other sort of answer:

• are you?
• who's "here"?
• carrot
• VC \leq_p WVC

A lot of existential waffling this morning.

This post's theme word is Bulverism (n), the logical fallacy of assuming that your opponent is wrong and explaining their error. Some uppity students are verging into brief Bulverism with their responses to attendance questions.

What is your greatest victory in life (so far)?

I take attendance by having the students answer a question.

What is your greatest victory in life (so far)? (Previously asked in 2016.)

(I want to give them the leeway to still be aiming for an even greater victory!)

Many students replied in earnest celebration of their victories:

• ran 2 marathons
• being the 1st in my family to go to college
• getting into Swarthmore
• becoming a zygote
• making it through 2 years of college
• going abroad
• making it to senior year
• being born

Others were more creative in their replies:

• I solved Independent Set
• solving 2+2
• I solved SAT

Some were more unusual:

• "stealing" 6 mattresses
• can't think --- concussed
• please let me know when you find out
• nothing so far

To all the tired, striving brains out there: good luck with the end-of-semester, and try not to bonk into anything!

This post's theme word is contund (verb tr), "to thrash or bruise." Please do not contund your noggin.

What social convention baffles you?

I take attendance by having students answer a question.

What social convention baffles you? (previously I've asked this but don't seem to have blogged it)

Some responses were understandably baffling IMHO:

• not putting elbows on table. why??
• jaywalking >:(
• why do people do absolutely stupid dares?
• starting school at 8:30am
• pretending to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week

Others were for pretty reasonable social conventions that (I hope) students actually do understand, they just... choose not to participate in... I guess?

• small talk
• lying
• washing hands after using the restroom
• sleeping
• a lot of things, saying bless you? "thoughts & prayers"...
• TikTok
• most things young people do. Also, eating cereal as a meal. It's literally like eating chips as sustenance.
• using chopsticks to eat chips, ice cream, etc.
• talking to strangers

Many students just outright want to be socially bizarre and asocial/prosocial in unusual ways. I get it. They're all great. I enjoy being in a community that intentionally accepts students who tend this way, and cultivates their eccentricities. College is fantastic and I'm extremely lucky that I never have to leave it.

• social cues
• socializing
• quiet floors at Swat libraries
• Swarthmore misery poker
• asking "how are you" and always responding with "good, you?"
• saying "how r u?" and not finishing interaction
• socializing with people you don't like
• pretending to GAF
• "You should go outside once in awhile"

This casts a pretty dark look at the mindset of students in my class. But more unusual and weird is what emerges from my favorites:

• walking using two legs
• everything
• all of them I was raised in a barn
• feudalism

... students are wonderful, unique balls of curious accumulated behaviors and thoughts and they are utterly, utterly fascinating. And apparently one was raised in a barn.

This post's theme word is