Jokes about algorithms

 I ask students to write me a joke about algorithms pretty regularly. I like seeing what they come up with...

• What did one cross-country star algorithm say to the other?
  "It's run time."
• Teacher: Write me an algorithm that runs in constant time.
  Student: Ok, the first part of my algorithm iterates over a list...
• What's the runtime of log?
  Nothing. Logs can't run.
• When in doubt, O(n!).
• What did the polynomial function say to the exponential function to get it to go away?
  "Beeg-O(n)!" [joke included a visual of an xy graph of poly and exp functions diverging with speech bubbles]
• "Knock knock"
  "Who's there?"
  "The Gale-Shapley Algorithm"
  "That joke wasn't funny"
  "I guess you aren't a good match for my humor!"
• Two engineers are stuck on whether to use BFS or DFS for a problem.
  Eng 1: Should we use BFS instead? Because we tried DFS and we're stuck?
  Eng 2: The real queue is why did I choose this career?
• A 1-day-old great dane talking to a 1-day-old toy poodle
  poodle: I'm bigger than you haha!
  great dane: I"m not worried I am Ω(you)
• Knock knock... Boom bruteforce algorithm
  

Algorithms puns:

• Dancer to Algorithms: "Wow algo! You really have rithm!"
• Why did Lila hate the orchestra concert?
  Because they didn't have any algo-rhythm!
  
• What did Lila play on the drums?
  An algo-rhythm
• What type of music do computer scientists listen to?
  Algo-rhythm-ic Music
• Mr. Merge, Mr. Selection, and Ms. Bubble all joined the Annual Sorting Dance Competition. Can you guess who won?
  Mr. Merge won! How? Because he had the best sorting algo-rhythm :)!
• If my name was algo and I did music they'd call me algo-rhythm!

Regarding graphs:

• What's the bakery's favorite algorithm?
  "Bread"th first search
• BreadFirstSearch, no rice no pasta!
• How do we know that topsort vertices prefer the heat?
  They have to leave once they reach 0 in-degrees.
• What did Dijkstra say to Kruskal?
  Why you so greedy
• What kind of search do you prefer?
  DFS, I like my algorithms with a little more depth to them. * badum tzzzz *
• What did BFS say to DFS? Nothing. Algorithms can't talk.
• Why did the edge cross the cut?
  Since it had to provide the shortest path :(

This post's theme word is capacitate (v tr), "to make capable." Studying computer science does not capacitate one for comedy.

If you created an algorithm, what would you call it?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question.

If you created an algorithm, what would you call it?

Most people went for a legacy:

• [student's own first name]sort
• [student's own first name]algorithm
• [student's own last name]
• [student's own full name]3000
• [student's last name] method
• [student's last name]'s Algorithm
• Make[student's first name]OnTime

Then some people went for a bizarre name:

• golden
• Goat
• BifghkaJKHSTY
• cheeseburger
• transform 
• apples

Then some people went for a straightforward "impossible to say what this algorithm does":

• The Best Algorithm
• Algorithm
• Algo I
• Algorithm X

My favorite was the "extremely possible to say what this algorithm does":

• something descriptive

This post's theme word is maecenatism (n), "patronage". None of today's forward-thinking algorithm designers has favored maecenatism in their naming scheme; how is modern-day artisanal algorithm design to thrive without this historical source of support?

What is the worst pun you've ever heard?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question.

What is the worst pun you've ever heard?

Only a few actual responses:

• That's pretty punny of you, haha!
• alpaca lunch
• [thought too much]
• orange you glad I didn't say banana
• all puns are great

... and then more than 15 variants of "I don't know". I guess it's hard to remember a pun on the spot.

This post's theme word is gegg (n), "a trick or practical joke," or (v) "to play a hoax or practical joke." The biggest gegg of the post is the lack of puns!

If you were a superhero, what power would you have?

 I take attendance by having students answer a question. Previously 2017, 2019.

If you were a superhero, what power would you have?

There were some traditionalists:

• invisibility x7
• flying x3
• super speed x2
• telepathy
• read minds 
• invulnerability
• super saiyan

Many people want extra time:

• have 48 hours a day
• stop time
• no longer need to sleep
• not getting sleepy
• making [other student in class] on time
• instant transportation

Then there were people who imagined powers that help towards other goals:

• power to refill anything
• memory
• infinite memory
• infinite money

This post's theme word is macrosmatic (adj), "having a well-developed sense of smell." The macrosmatic superhero rescues local residents from inadequately-aged cheese.

What is the punchline of your favorite joke?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question. Previously 2017, 2019.

What is the punchline of your favorite joke?

I assure you that typos and punctuation below are [sic]:

• "[student's own first name]'s on time"
• "shut up cold water!"
• 1984
• G
• Ground beef
• Ground chicken
• 
  
• Im-Pasta
• Imagine :)
• Me!
• Nice
• Renato Pizza
• Swarthmore construction
• Tinean
• Your the only ten I see [sic]
• construcrian
• don't know one
• drawing a blank Im sorry :( <3
• hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog...
• pasta balls
• to get to the other side

Most popular answer by far was variations of "IDK" (x6).

These joke punchlines make me wonder about the preceding joke... 

... well, except for the best one:

• This is joke for all you mind readers:

This post's theme word is salvific (adj), "having the power to save or redeem." The psychic comic did not have many salvific punchlines.

What is your favorite hobby?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question.

What is your favorite hobby?

• art                                                                                                                                         
• billiards                                                                                                                                   
• chess                                                                                                                                       
• cooking                                                                                                                                     
• dancing                                                                                                                                     
• fishing                                                                                                                                     
• frisbee                                                                                                                                     
• hiking (x2)                                                                                                                                 
• learning                                                                                                                                    
• movies                                                                                                                                      
• music                                                                                                                                       
• nails                                                                                                                                       
• procrastinating                                                                                                                             
• programming                                                                                                                                 
• reading                                                                                                                                     
• singing                                                                                                                                     
• sleeping (x7)                                                                                                                               
• softball                                                                                                                                    
• spending time with family                                                                                                                   
• spending time with people                                                                                                                   
• throwing                                                                                                                                    
• walking (x2)

This post's theme word is nutant (adj), "drooping, nodding." Many hobbyist nappers sat through lecture with nutant heads and glazed eyes.

What parallel-universe version of yourself would you like to be?

 I take attendance by having students answer a question.

What parallel-universe version of yourself would you like to be?

(all typos below are preserved as submitted)

Many students aspire to parallel-universe careers:

• pilot (x2)
• POTUS
• president
• economist
• lawyer
• chef
• cheffe
• astronaut (x2)
• commentator

Some wanted careers based on fame (mostly sports):

• PGA tour champ
• pop star
• win the masters
• dancer
• actress/dancer
• pro sport of some sort
• disc golfer

One single student wanted simply more money, in an amount I have not heard of:

• a bizzlionaire

One student wanted to be an inexplicable parallel-universe version, no further explanation:

a cold one

Some students were nonspecific but positive:

• living in nature
• maybe in bed

Some students were simply nonspecific:

• huh
• idk

And this week's most contented mid-semester student picked simply:

• idk I'm happy in this one

This post's theme word is lotic (adj), "relating to or living in flowing water." (Note that "lentic" is the same, but for still water.) The lotic parallel universe features many gills and a lot of waterproofing on electronics, but is otherwise quite familiar. There are a lot of reunions of the lotic and lentic branches of the family.

What is the best time of day for studying?

 I take attendance by asking students a question. (Previously 2019.)

What is the best time of day for studying?

Sorted by time, we had:

• 3am
• morning (x5)
• late morning
• midday (x2)
• 3pm
• afternoon in Johlberg
• post nap
• 5pm
• 5:15pm
• after dinner
• 7pm
• evening
• night (x7)
• midnight
• all times
• anytime
• after class

The specificity of to-the-minute accuracy on "best time" makes it sound like the optimal studying lasts only 1 minute, and by 5:16pm it has passed. That's worrying from an academic viewpoint.

This post's theme word is whelm (v tr), "to submerge; to overcome; to overwhelm." Study time whelms the student calendar.

What is your favorite fruit?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question (previously 2017).

What is your favorite fruit?

• watermelon (x7)
• mango (x6)
• apple (x2)
• grapes (x2)
• raspberries (x2)
• pears
• bananas
• pineapple
• peach
• clementine
• strawberry
• blueberry
• orange

I'm surprised that watermelon surpassed mango, the previous champion.

This post's theme word is tergiversate (v), "to evade, to equivocate; to change one's loyalties." The student population tergiversated between large, sweet, round fruits.

Quoth the raven

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question (previously 2016, 2017).

Quoth the raven:

• nevermore
• caw caw caw
• IDK
• ??
• [checkmark]
• I don't know any ravens
• no clue
• !
• what is that
• no
• shishkabob
• type type
• moo
• French poetry is better
• no clue
• What does the fox say?
• I don't know
• Nevermore, lest I shuffle off this mortal coil and land in a bowl of soup

I think that the "?" and "IDK" votes swept this time, maybe the reference isn't popular enough amongst The Youths Nowadays.

This post's theme word is nuciform (adj), "like a nut." There are many bird techniques for obtaining food from nuciform prisons.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question. Previously 2016, 2017, 2019.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

Some students answered numerically:

• -2
• -1
• 1
• at least 1
• 2+1
• 3.141592
• pi
• 5
• 6
• 100g
• [illegible, but it looked like numbers?]

Some students answered with qualitative descriptions of the quantity of wood:

1. not much (x2)
2. not much, he's nashed
3. some (x2)
4. enough
5. lots
6. depends on the tree species
7. as much as it could
8. as much as it wants
9. as much as a woodchuck could!
10. as long as its hungry

Some students replied to my question with an answer designed to make me stop asking:

• no idea
• I don't know (x3)
• when a woodchuck chucks
• if a wood chuck could chuck wood (x2)
• chuck

The "most pragmatic" award goes to:

• depends if a woodchuck could chuck wood

The "most enigmatic award goes to:

• would?

This post's theme word is alible (adj), "nutritious; nourishing." Wood is not considered alible for most students in my class.

What is your dream vacation for spring break?

 I take attendance by having students answer a question.

What is your dream vacation for spring break?

Actual places that are reachable with a 1-week break from classes:

• Ireland
• Bahamas
• Ibiza
• Italy
• Greece
• Japan
• Tahiti
• Hawaii
• Brazil
• Switzerland
• Europe
• London
• Barcelona

Trips that sound cool:

• cool hike
• home
• Death Valley, where I'm going :)
• bed

Infeasible:

• travel to Uranus

This post's theme word is anfractuous (adj), "full of twists and turns". May your travel wanderings be full of anfractuous adventure.

What is your greatest victory in life so far?

 I take attendance by asking the students a question (previously 2019, 2016).

What is your greatest victory in life so far?

• chilling
• sleeping
• being here today
• surviving this far
• seeing another day in this beautiful world
• waking up :)
• ^ so real!!!!
• going to college
• nothing
• happiness
• eating breakfast
• being awake right now
• getting up early today
• living
• my friends
• slaying yass
• being an older brother
• loving other people

This post's theme word is antelucan (adj), "before dawn". Based on student testimony, one might believe that I have an antelucan lecture.

What is the longest amount of time you have gone without using the internet?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question. (Previously 2017, 2019.)

What is the longest amount of time you have gone without using the internet?

Answers varied:

• not long
• 10 minutes
• few hours (x2)
• 12 hours
• 1 day
• 2 days (x3)
• 3 days
• 5 days
• days
• 1 week (x5)
• a week in nature
• 2 weeks
• month
• 9 months
• 6 years
• no clue
• my childhood
• first couple years of my life
• first 2 years of my life
• first 5 years of my life
• first 7 years of my life

This post's theme word is testudinal (adj), "slow; old." Reminiscing about years of school pre-internet makes one feel testudinal and ornery.

What is the first word you spoke aloud?

 I take attendance by having students answer a question (previously).

What is the first word you spoke aloud?

• MAMA / mom (very popular)
• Dad (also popular)
• Yeah / no / yes / Hi (makes sense)
• goat
• duck
• cow
• ball
• apple

Kudos to the student whose first word was "0" (the number).

Bizarre side-eye to the following students who wrote:

• student A: "[student B's name]"
• student B: "I love [student C's name]"
• student C: "yeah"

This post's theme word is umbriferous (adj), "casting a shadow." Luckily a child's first word is not an umbriferous portent of their entire life!

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question (previously 2016, 2017, 2019).

What is the sound of one hand clapping? Students mostly picked some popular onomatopoeias (or no): 

• clap (10)
• snap (6)
• no sound (3)

Then a lot of singletons:

• faint clap (1)
• snup (1)
• plap (1)
• tap (1)
• *pop* (1)
• plup (1)
• plap (1)
• hit (1)
• not possible (1)
• finger snap (1)

Two people were present in class but chose, as a way of expressing themselves, to checkmark next to their name on the sign-in sheet but leave the space for answering the question blank.

This post's theme word is gowpen (n), "two hands cupped together." Give me one gowpen of thoughtful questions, please.

Where in the world IS Carmen Sandiego?

 I take attendance by having the students answer a question. (Previously 2016, 2017.)

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Overwhelmingly students wrote "San Diego" (19), some with a bit of flavor ("presumably San Diego?"). This would make it easy to find her, and the landmark she has shrink-ray stolen this week! Apparently this cultural reference is now outside the familiar frame for many current college students.

Among those willing to play/guess along, we had:

• California
• Detroit, MI
• Guam
• I don't know
• I'm terrible at geography...
• IDK but good show
• Madrid, Spain
• Mexico
• New York
• US
• Utah
• lets find her <3
• no clue

Perhaps this question should be retired --- or maybe future students will creatively suggest where to seek her out!

This post's theme word is gaberlunzie (n), "a wandering beggar, especially one who is licensed." Carmen Sandiego is no gaberlunzie --- she has no license for the architectural theft and skulduggery she commits!

Final exam

The exam was printed in color. Partly this was to make the diagrams pretty, partly this was as a hint that students should be thinking about colors. Adjacent to some colored text, a student wrote "LOVED THIS HINT, THANK YOU!" which is a very positive piece of exam-writing feedback to me. In a proof for this problem, another student wrote "The hint of coloring the 4 houses the different colors further solidifies [claim they were making]."

Down the margins of the final, one student entered a philosophical reverie: "What is 'correct'? Can approx algs ever even get there"

When asked to give an example, one student wrote "I can't fight the urge to say ∅". This was, in fact, a correct example.

I offered students the opportunity to write a joke. I am not sure these all make sense?

• Solving NP-complete algorithms is like finding a CS prof that doesn't wear khakis. Theoretically possible, but in practice it's too hard.
• The biggest dream for an NPC is to become P(layable).
• Why did the NP-complete problem become a therapist?
  It thought it had a lot of experience with unsolvable isues.
• "That's NPC behavior."
  Normal person interpretation: someone is acting funky like a Non-Player Character.
  Theoretical Computer Scientist interpretation: How did they figure out how to live non-deterministically?
• Why buy cereal from the NP-hard aisle of NP store?
  It's part of an NP-complete breakfast.
• I went to the doctor for my (N)ose (P)ain Problem. He took way too long to find a solution.
• This joke is NP-complete, reducible to everyone else's, hard to understand, and has a polytime verifier. Verifier: print("HAHAHAHAHAHA")
• Why did NP not cross the road?
  Because it wasn't efficient to do so.
• What did NP-complete say to NP-hard?
  Don't worry, your polynomial time is coming!
• What did Vertex Cover say to Independent Set?
  You NP-complete me <3
• Why did the NP-complete problem go to the party?
  It thought it would be a clique-free environment.
• Once NP-complete is verified on tiktok, it has its own verifier.
• A: Did you hear Neal Patrick Harris found his long lost brother, of the same name, Neil Patrick Harris?
  B: Oh wow, how nice!
  A: I know, right! They said now that they found each other, they both feel Neil Patrick-complete!
• Why was Lila late for the CS41 final (theoretically)?
  Because she was stuck in traffic and navigating it was NP-complete!
• Teacher: Prove this problem is NP-complete.
  Student: I just "completed" a solution, so it must be NP-complete.
• Q: What do you call a math-inspired, environmentally-minded tap-dancing group?"
  A: "Al Gore Rhythms: An Inconvenient Troupe"
• Q: Why did the programmer break up with NP-completeness?
  A: Because NP-completeness took too long to solve their relationship problems; she wasn't efficient enough.
• It is verifiable that I will complete my homeworks for ALGO but it can not be done in polynomial time. ALGO TO SCHEDULE ALGO Homework is NP-complete.
• Why did the algorithms problem not talk?
  It was NPC(omplete).
  idk if this makes sense, i don't play video games

I take issue with

• P=NP only if N=1

And indeed, another (more pedantic) student wrote:

• P=NP
  (N-1)P = 0
  N=1 or P=0

I was offered some non-jokes:

• I like to imagine that all of the NP-complete problems are friends with one another, because they can't feel complete without being reducible to one another.
• I am Not Proud of this exam, but it is Completed.
• I'm NP-complete with this test.
• Ironic for it to be NP-complete but we don't know if P=NP.
• I wish you were NP-complete so that all of our problems could be reduced to you.
• I can decide in polynomial time whether a graph is 3-colorable.

That last student is powerful in a troubling way.

When prompted, "Write a joke about NP-completeness." the most wry student in the class wrote:

• I would tell you one, but once you've heard one you've heard them all.
• I would write a joke about NP-completeness, but once you've heard one you've hard them all!
• I once heard an NP-complete joke but once you've heard one, you've heard them all.
• My verifier could assess a good joke if it saw one, but I don't think this problem can be done in deterministic polynomial time. :)

This post's theme word is lexiphanic (adj), "using pretentious words and language." Very few students attempted lexiphanic answers to test questions.

What social convention baffles you?

 I take attendance by having students answer a question.

What social convention baffles you? (previously)

Some people chose physical customs:

• handshakes
• giving someone a hug
• any convention with physical touch

... but overall many people chose social conventions that persist even in a pandemic era:

• small talk
• introductions
• ice breakers
• hi to strangers
• salutations on emails
• texting greetings before th emessage

Some people chose known-to-be-irritating social conventions:

• bachelor/bachelorette parties
• gender reveal parties
• working 5 days a week
• the 9-5 work day

My favorite is the choice to criticize conventions in favor of absolute chaos:

• waking up in the morning

This post's theme word is diachrony (n), "change occurring over a period of time." The social convention diachrony means that handshakes might shift to elbow bumps, or subtle head nods, or nothing at all.

What are you thankful for?

I take attendance by having the students answer a question.

What are you thankful for?

Many common thanks went out to:

• friends
• family
• individual specific siblings

And more general thanks for:

• visual studio code
• being alive
• forgiveness
• the indomitable human spirit
• everyone that ever offers me help
• pass/fail

Overall it was a very positive group, everyone found something very nice to be thankful for!

This post's theme word is grumbletonian (n), "a habitual complainer." The grumbletonian antagonist season is upon us!