Family joy

'Tis the season to ritually retreat to the place of your birth (or at least wherever your strongest familial anchor is) and Spend Time Together. Hooray!

An upwelling of goodwill and warm familial emotional comfort to you, to me, to all of us. Here in my snowy childhood retreat, I am surrounded by snark and sotto-voce comments and offhand references to literature and clever puns about math and it is like being immersed in a warm, soft pool of almost-mirrors of myself. In the least egotistical way possible, it's delightful and I love all these people intensely.

Here are some amusing and mostly out-of-context snippets of the family holiday season, which as usual, extends well into January.

"Every pushup is like 10^{-6} points. It's like mining Bitcoin."

"There's a microbrewery like every 3 blocks in Ithaca now." (originally tweeted)

Re: wisdom teeth and roommate
"Sarah won't let me decorate with them."
"First strike."
"She's a sensible girl."

Alert: we've had to unfurl the backup cheese board for auxiliary cheese feasting. (originally tweeted)

"Shitty superpower: the Man who Makes Women Menstruate. ... maybe there was a local election. A school board election? Those happen every year."

"If you just WATCH me do the chores, it doesn't count towards your chore wheel, Jayjay."
"Lila, usually dogs don't HAVE a chore wheel." (originally tweeted)

"I know there's a cure for hepatitis C, but there's no need to jump headlong into it."

"You might think there is a time signature. There is not."
"This is a seal attempting to play an electronic harmonica. Underwater."

"These tights are the #1 bestseller in beekeeping supplies!"
"Beekeeping tights are NOT a thing."

Suave pickup line, delivered slimily: "You might not know this, but the real numbers? They're ordered."

"What the hell is that thing, Ernie?"
"It's hair containment. You might not be familiar."

Regarding his own conception: "I'm sorry, that was the best sperm I could get, Andrei."

"I don't see the sloths."
"The sloths are right in front of you!"
"Those are 100% rhinos."
"Oh, yeah."
(originally tweeted)

"My boobs are so low now, they can't hold anything up."

Attempt and failure at generating a pithy saying: "If wishes were fishes, then... dishes... would... britches?" (originally tweeted)

"He's bludgeoning the cheese into slices."

Someone left on Google voice assistant, which chimed in, unexpected: (originally tweeted)
"Can I help you find something?"
"Find the yeti!"
(it did not oblige)

"Isotropic pressure!" (re: hats) (originally tweeted)

On e-shopping as you fall asleep: "... it's very hard to get the best price." (originally tweeted)

"Just think, if that had been a rink, you'd be wearing sequins to work." (originally tweeted)

... now, back to work, one and all!


This post's theme word is exeleutherostomize (v intr), "to speak freely." The pithy, flippant people exeleutherostomize when amongst family.

Fall semester 2018 quotes

There are giant, luxurious expanses of whiteboard in my office. They go almost floor-to-ceiling, which means that there is a considerable margin above which I cannot feasibly write. This margin ends up getting filled with quotes that students hear or say in my office, and find amusing to document. Occasionally I add to it myself (on a stepstool, on tip-toe).

The semester is over, so I'm clearing the whiteboard. Here for posterity are the quotes, anonym-ish-ized:

"I think I am approachable and friendly but no one puts a quote like that up there."

"I'm allowed to extend social niceties. It is one of the things that helps me blend."

"I'm an old-fashioned maniac trapped in the body of a thirty-year-old professor."

"Because long story short I'm a freak."

"Having a filter is like being the protagonist in everyone else's life."

"Solving problems is for lesser beings."

"I was hedging my bets so that way I would get something happy."

"I thought the population of America was like 200,000." (<-- astonishment="" board="" for="" on="" p="" quote="" the="" this="" value="" went="">
"You are the most accessible professor by far." (someone said this to me!)

"Thank you, wise professor." (someone said this! first usage of "wise" applied to me AFAIK)

"You harvest tears, I harvest souls, we all have our quirks." (delivered in a flippant tone to me)

"Try not to say anything obviously dumb." (actual direction I was given)

"It's not all bleak."
"It's just mostly bleak."

"So you're going to be THAT professor?"

"I will, in future, NOT ask questions. Just remain silent." (said by the Most Inquisitive Student)


For those keeping track at home, the semester timer finished at 45:23:04.52. I'm considering how to invoice this time.


This post's theme word is scrouge (v intr), "to squeeze, press, or crowd." The office hours scrouge is the scourge of the studious and enthusiastic.